I have this gut feeling that we were always meant to meet, one way or another. Whether it be as lovers or as friends, I feel that you were destined to always be in my life. For once, I am openly admitting that I do have feelings for you and I always have. However, circumstance never seems right for me to ever do anything about it. Maybe in this lifetime, we were only meant to be friends. Maybe in the next one, we’ll be lovers.
I hate how complicated it has always been. We have this weird unspoken bond that I cannot even begin to explain. All these years I have never been able to even talk about how I’ve always felt or ask about how you’ve felt about me. I’m not even sure if I want to know. However, it kills me inside not knowing how it’s been inside your point of view. We don’t do any blatant flirting. It has always been very coy and has been kept under wraps. Even when I’m the first one to attempt it, you give into it. You let me have my fun, although we both know that this is all we can ever be. Unfortunately, it has always been like that. So I’m not sure if this is all in my head. I know I shouldn’t wish for it, but deep down inside, I know I want the feelings to be reciprocated. And deep down, I think you’ve always had feelings for me too, but you know as well as I do that this can never be spoken of.
This is how you lose her.
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.
This is lovely.
I just cried reading this whole thing….
I like you because you make me smile unintentionally. I like you because you smile all the time. I like you because you’re so comfortable with yourself no matter who you’re with. I like you because you’re always so kind to me, and only me. I like you because you’re so subtlety endearing. I like you because you’re private. I like you because you make me work for your trust.
But I’m not supposed to like you. I’m not allowed to. And for as long as we’re friends, I’ll never just want to be only friends.
What good would it do telling you the truth about my feelings? It’s not going to change where I want to stay.
Your insecurities really fucking bother me and quite honestly, I’m so disgusted.